My Now

I had planned to be married to him for only two years….

I had it all figured out in my head. During the two years I was to have secured a job from his many connections and opened franchises for the small ladies footwear business he would start for me. He was a nice guy ,gullible yes but a decent person all the same. From the get go I knew that he truly loved me and maybe even cared for me more than I deserved. You see when we met at the washrooms (weird I know) of a popular joint in town I was not really looking for a relationship. I was unemployed, depressed and too broken to accommodate anyone in my life. Of course I should have been honest about this but he was smitten and I did not want to take my chances. From the kindness in his eyes, the way he gently spoke to me to the way he smiled I knew I had this one in the bag. You know how you get butterflies in your stomach when you speak to someone you love? How you cannot stop smiling alone? I did not feel any of that. His touch did not send electricity down my spine and yet, I can play the role really well when it is for my benefit in the end. After all this relationship was strictly to be a business affair to me not a telenovela. I should have made it clear that I could not love him, that I did not love him but I am selfish and love is after all blind for those who are in it hook, line and sinker. Everything snowballed very fast, the parties, the picnics, the gifts, the getaways, his family….the wedding.

I was a character in my own movie. Life on the fast lane just the way I like it. Always been a sucker for material things. My only challenge was not to get pregnant during the time I had set for the marriage. A year down the line, I have secured a job at a local company courtesy of his best friend, the business I convinced him to open up for me is beginning to pick up pace, yes life is good. Good enough for me to lower the acting a notch down. I am no longer attending family events with as much gusto as I used to pretend to have. And I even answer sarcastically to the ‘when are you having kids song’ his family keeps singing. He begun noticing that my heart really was not in it. He put in extra effort, sent me more flower bouquets at work, even organized a road trip for the both of us to Diani. I could not refuse, plus I still had not achieved all my goals for being married to him yet. I agreed lovingly and even managed to feign some excitement. He hinted that maybe we could finally get down to that baby making business while at the coast. Good weather, relaxed vibes and all. I could only but smile. At Mariakani I have to stop over for a bathroom break , I had been drinking throughout the journey. He parks by the roadside says he will wait for me in the car as he catches up with emails on his phone. The sun was just setting with a lovely orange hue as I wandered off to locate a suitable bush. I can still see the headlights, remember the loud honking, the oncoming trailer, the last look on his face and my heart skipping a beat simultaneously with the loud crashing noise that ensued. I went through the moments that followed like I was in a trance. The onlookers, the hospital, his family. His family, his mother especially.. looked at me like I had planned and executed the whole thing. She never really trusted me that woman. Mothers indeed do have a sixth sense when it comes to their children. It took all the energy I had, to stand by him and care for him for the entire month he was in hospital following the spinal cord injury.

Now I look at him when he sleeps, his future halted by disability and I cannot help but weep in my heart. I blame myself. If only I had loved him back half as much we would not be here. He would have been a great father.